Still Looking for a Win
Yes, I know I'm really awful about journaling.
I'm supposed to be keeping a log of what Sam calls my "magical journey", but I'm having a hard time motivating when every effort feels like a failure.
She says I don't have to write every day, or even every time I try something, but that I should keep track of what I've done, what's worked, and what hasn't.
I think I'd be more motivated if it didn't feel like almost every effort has been an epic failure.
Please don't quote that line from Edison about not failing a 1,000 times. Emma and Sam both said it to me and it only works if I've learned something useful about how not to do it. I haven't. I can't even figure out what I'm doing wrong.
Everything flows beautifully when I'm with Samantha, not so much when I try to recreate things on my own.
I don't know what's different. I wrote down the steps and am following them precisely, but it's not working for me. Or at least not the way I want it to.
Last Thursday, I spent the entire session talking about my how frustrated I am.
I'm stalled at my protection bubble. It was the first thing Sam taught me and I can't get to the next step.
I can isolate myself from outside elements, but I haven't been able to fine tune it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I tried extending the bubble around Alan and me the other night so it would drown out the movie and conversations around us, but all I accomplished was to hide myself.
I'm not kidding. Emma and I hosted movie night last week with Sasha, Brandon, Mason, and Alan. One minute I was part of the group, the next nobody seemed to notice me. Alan looked around like he was looking for me, but didn't see me sitting right next to him.
Sam was impressed. She said it takes a lot of skill to make myself disappear while I'm completely surrounded by wolf shifters, especially when they know me and my scent well. She wants me to do it again when she's there so she can see what everyone else is seeing, or not seeing.
I can see the tactical benefit from a self-defense standpoint, but I don't think it was as impressive as she did. As far as the wolves are concerned, I always fade into the background when they get together.
She says she gets it and keeps reminding me not to compare myself to her or anyone else. Our abilities are inherently different, and she has a lot more experience. It's going to take a while and I should be patient.
She also says she's always discovering new abilities, especially now that she's taking the time and making the effort.
I guess I'm not the only one who was discouraged from exploring their Fae nature growing up.
On the plus side, my observational skills are getting better.
It's amazing what you see when you pay attention.
I never really noticed how much my bear picks up, but now that I'm looking at things with intention, I am realizing how much I overlook much of the information my senses gather.
This was particularly true when it comes to clairsentience. I've always been able to sense how people feel when they're experiencing a strong emotion, but I didn't realize how much influence it had over my perceptions. I also had no idea this was something I could learn to do on command.
I'm not sure how much is accurate and how much is me creating a narrative based on nothing but external observation and imagination, but I'm starting to trust what I'm sensing.
This week, Sam has me scanning random people to try to sense how they feel. It's surprising how often I've found a sad person hiding behind a smile.
We went to the mall to observe people a couple of weeks ago. That time we just sat in the food court and shared what we were picking up. It was fun, but I told Sam about my doubts.
The second time we did it, we went to Jumbo Java and Sam had each of us write down what we sensed. We did this with three different people, then compared notes.
It was interesting to see how many things we both "saw" the same. I'm not sure how much of that came from psychic senses and how much from what we saw and heard.
Sam's observations were a lot more detailed and she can pick up things like memories and stray thoughts. We're not sure I'll get to that point and I'm not sure if I want to. I already get random thoughts and feelings from Alan through our mate bond. I can't imagine picking up strangers' thoughts too. Especially now that Sam and I can send telepathic messages via our pack link. — She still says there is no such thing as a mutt pack or a pack link, but I don't know how else to explain it.
All in all, I'm pleased by how much more I'm able to sense with all my senses when I put my mind to it.
And now that I've written all this, I think I see the value of keeping a journal. I may not have accomplished what I set out to do with my protection bubble, but I discovered I excel at hiding in plain sight. I'm also able to see the progress I've made with my psychic senses. Some of my frustration has abated too, so I guess journaling is a task worth doing.
Did you hear that, Samantha? I said you were right.
She doesn't read my journal, but I sent the thought to her through our link and I swear she's laughing.
